Frankie

When Roger had been a young boy his parents had taken him to visit his uncle, Baron Franz von . The Baron was known in the family as Frankie and he lived in a castle high in the mountains in the area we now call The Black Forrest in south west Germany. Frankie was married to a beautiful young girl, Helga, who was the daughter of the local Burger Master. The Burger Master was a big cheese in local politics, like a mayor. Frankie was a medical scientist, a surgeon we would call him today, although in those days much of his work was experimental. His main activity was devoted toward developing painless surgery.

As a young man Frankie wanted to have a large family, at least six or seven children, but it was not to be. Frankie and Helga tried and tried to have a family but for some unknown reason they never had children. And so it was that Frankie decided some how, some way, some day he would find a way of giving Helga the son she desperately desired.

Aside:

The characters in this story are German, so you will need to read the sections in italics with a German accent. Here is some practice for you.

"Szo, yu vant a cheece burger mit rrregular flyce. Zat vill be vun sixty fife."

"Sorry, I've only got one sixty three"

"Szo, ve haf vays of making yu pay, yu know. Hermann fvetch me zat hot dog."

Easy isn't it.

Back to the plot.

A war broke out between Frankies town and the walled city of Friburg, and Frankie was enlisted as a military surgeon. Many of his towns folk suffered horrifying injuries, in particular severed limbs. Poor old Frankie had to work twenty hours a day to get through all the operations. Then one night he had been on duty for more than twenty four hours when a new batch of injured townsfolk were wheeled in. Some were in a terrible state, bits of bodies were piled up everywhere.

"Zis is terrrrible." Frankie muttered to himself. "I can't even be sure vich bit belongs to vich body. Ah vell, zey vill haf to take pot luck."

He strapped the first patient to the operating table.

"Ah hello, it's Fritz Shtruddle isn't it?"

"Ya Heir Doktor. Please be quick I am in grreat pain. I seem to haf lost my prrivate parts."

"Zen I'd best gif you an injection ov Schnapps to ease zee pain."

"Very well Heir Doktor."

Frankie filled a needle with Schnapps. "Now zen, just a liddle prick."

"Zen it cannot be mine Heir Doktor. Mine is quite large and has a birrth mark near zee tip."

Frankie was begining to feel really tired, his eyes were sore and his vision blurred. His hands began to shake as he searched among the body parts for Fritz's privates. After an hour or so the operation was complete.

"You can get up now and get drressed." he said to fritz, who sat up on the operating table.

"Aarghhh!" Fritz yelled. "Look at vot you haf done to me!"

There, sewn into Fritz's groin, was a hand.

"Oh dear." said Frankie. "I am szo szorry, I'm szo tired. Look on zee brright side. It might come in handy. You could become a magician, or do party trricks."

"Nine nine nine!" Fritz interrupted. "I vant my bits back!"

"I'm szorry Fritz, I'm all in. Help me take all zees bits of body up to zee glacier by my castle. We'll frreece everything, zen, tomorrow mornink, after I haf slept, I'll find your bits."

The following morning the war moved closer to Frankies castle. Fritz got caught up in the battle and was killed. The battle however was won by the Burger Master. The war was over and everyone returned home in time for breakfast.

Meanwhile, back at the castle, Frankie was asleep.

"Fungxt, zzzzzzzzzz, fungxt, zzzzzzzzzzz, fungxt, zzzzzzzzzz."

Helga knew he had work so hard over the last few months, so she decided to let him sleep for as long as he wanted.

Ten days later Frankie awoke.

"Goot mornink, my liddle black forrest gateaux." he whispered, as he put his arm around Helga. "Vot time is it?"

"Vot time? You should be asking me vot day is it?"

"Vy? Vot day is it?"

"It is Vensday. Vensday ze sixteenth."

"Zee sixteenth? My gootness Helga! For how long haf I slept?"

"About ten days. You vas ever szo tired. Szo I let you lay in."

"You let me lay in for ten days? I must report back to zee battlefield at vonce."

"Relax Frankie, zee war ended just after you vent to bed."

"But I haf bits of bodies frozen in zee glacier. I must defrost zem and sew zem back togedder, before it is too late."

Frankie got dressed, had his breakfast, and went straight to the glacier to examine the body parts.

"Oh dear! Look at zees bits, szome haf gone roddon, szome haf been half eaten by Volves. I'll put all zee goot bits in one heap."

Frankie sorted out all the good bits.

"Now zen, Vot do we haf? One head mit a dent in zee top, it has two earce and a noce, but only vun eye. A head mit a goot top bit, but no eyce or noce. A body mit two arrms, one mit out a hand, and only one leg. Zen we haf three spare arms and four spare legs. Vot is zat in zee corner, hmmm, one large set of prrivate parts mit a birth mark near zee tip. I think ve haf a complete set."

All the body parts were loaded onto a cart and taken back to Frankies laboratory. Then the operating table was made ready for surgery.

"Now zen, lets start mit zee body and sew on zee missing leg. Oh nine, nine! I don't believe it! All of zee spare legs are right footed and I vant a left vun. I leaf zee leg for a moment."

He put all the waste legs into a sack in the corner of the laboratory.

"Vot about a hand, zere must be ..... Oh nine, nine! I vant a right hand and all zee spares are left hands. I leaf zee hand for a moment."

All the spare arms and hands went into the sack.

"Hmm, I'll sew on zee head mit zee dent in zee top. All of zee blood vessels, nerves, and muscles must be carefully joined togedder."

Soon the head was in place.

"First I cut off zee dented top of zee head, zen I must rrremove zee old brain, leafing all zem sticky connecting bits in place. Nearly zere, just need to flip out zee brrrain mit my fingure. Ooops."

The brain flipped out and landed on his foot.

"Yuk!" he kicked it into the corner and it bounced once and went straight into the sack. "Hmm, goot shot. Zat gifs me an idea for a new game. Nine, we could nefer get enough old brains to kick around."

"Cooey!" Helga called as she entered the laboratory. "Vood you like a liddle shnack or someting, you must be gedding very hungry."

"Nine nine, I do important verk here. You must not interrrrupt me my liddle rrose pedal."

"Vot are you up to, and who is zat handsome young man you are operating on."

"Zis, handsome young man, will be our son. I hope."

"Our son? You mean, zis is Frankie Junior? Oh I'm szo proud off him. I must help. I go knit him a jumper."

"Yes go knit a jumper. Now zen, vere vas I. Oh yes, I must carefully rrremove zee good brain frrom zee other head. Zen I must join all zem gooey bits togedder and put zee lid back on zee head."

It was a long operation. Sweat dripped from Frankies brow. One wrong move and he knew that all would be lost. The tension grew as, one by one, he skillfully joined all the gooey bits. Then finally, eleven minutes later the lid was back in place.

"Szo Junior, lets take a look at you. Hmm, you still need vun eye, vun hand, and vun leg. I must wrrite a ledder to all my frriends and relatives asking zem to send me zees bits szo zat I can finish Junior and brring him back to life. In zee meantime I will take him back to zee glacier and freece him szo he will keep frresh."

Junior was re-frozen in the glacier and Frankie and Helga awaited a response to the letter.

But the years passed by and there was no response to the letters that Frankie kept sending. He wrote to hospitals, doctors, scientists, and everyone he had ever known, but no one ever answered. As the years and their youth faded into a distant memory their relationship became less and less tollerable, so Frankie and Helga went to see the famous marriage guidance councellor, Doktor Shpook.

"Now zen Helga und Frrrankie, your trroubles shtem frrom zee lack off a child in your lives. I vant you Helga to tell me in your own vords about zis. Did you trry very hard to haf babies."

"Ya off course ve did. For forty years ve tried. Every night ve put out zee bird seed for zee birds and ve put out zee honey for zee bees, but zey not come."

"Zey not come?"

"Ya, zee birds and bees never come."

"Who is telling you about zee birds and zee bees?"

"Ve vent to see Fadder Joseph, at zee monastry. Ve told him ve vant to know about hafing babies. He told us of zee birds and zee bees."

"But vot about sex?"

"Sex? He did not say vot sex zee birds and bees had to be."

"Nine, you misunderstand. Vot about sexual intercourse?"

"Vot do you mean?"

"Yes." Frankie interrupted. "Vot are you talking about?"

"Are you saying zat for forty years you tried to haf babies, but nefer had sex."

"Eh?"

Doktor Shpook thought for a moment. "I don't haf the heart to tell zem zee truth."

"You know, it is important for you not to blame each udder for not haffing babies. God szomtimes chooces people to do udder things in life. And he has chosen you to be wizout children. You must search for inner happiness togedder, zee future may hold szometing special for you. I vant you to read zis book about haffing babies it will help you to understand vy you haf no children."

"Thank you Heir Doktor." Frankie said as he stood up. "Ve vill make zee most off vot God has giffen us, and zat is each udder."

Frankie and Helga returned to the castle, once more happy and in love with each other.

"Ve may be seventy Helga, but I shtill think you are zee most beautiful girl in zee town. Shall ve haf an early night, munchkin."

"Ya, vy not, my liddle frrankfurter. Ve can read zis book zee Doktor has giffen us."

The next morning they were awoken by the sound of the door bell.

"Who can zat be?" Frankie wondered aloud.

"Only vun vay to find out big boy." Helga responded.

"I go see." Frankie added as he dragged on Helga's dressing gown. "Oh! it is zee postman. Hello Heir Postman. It is many years since you last came here. Do you haf a letter for me?"

"Nine, I haf a parcel."

"A parcel? Who is it frrom?"

"I do not know, but zee post mark says 'Treasure Island' and zair is a shtamp mit a skull und crossed bones on it. Look it vas posted nearly forty yearce ago."

"Look zere is writting on zee back. 'If undelivered return to Cap'n Jolly Roger , The Anchor Inn, Treasure Island'. Ah ha! I rremember! My cousin Roger. I wrote to him about Junior, many, many years ago. Vot is inside. Oh! Helga come quickly, cousin Roger has sent us an eye patch, a hook hand, and a vooden leg. Ve can finish Junior! Thank you Heir Postman. Goot day to you."

"You all haf a goot day now." The postman replied as he left.

Frankie fetched the frozen Junior from the glacier and soon had him thawed out.

"I must operate straight avay. Helga, ve vill soon haf our son."

In a matter of minutes the eye patch, hook hand, and wooden leg, were all in place.

"Now for zee big moment. I vill massage Juniors heart and he vill awaken and be alive. Look Helga, he wakes."

Junior sat up on the operating table and spoke his first words. "Mumma, Pappa."

"Zats my boy." Frankie replied as he stood in front of junior.

"Such a handsome baby." Helga added as she also stood in front of Junior.

Junior stood up and put his arms around them both. As he did so his wooden leg slipped on the stone floor, sending them all hurtling to the ground. Helga and Frankie died, crushed in the arms of their son. Junior's wounds from the operations had not healed and as his head hit the floor out flipped his brain. It bounced once and then went straight into the sack in the corner of the laboratory.

"Goot shot." Junior said to himself, and then he died.

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