The oldest ancestor we have a record of was Kharmoun , who was born in Cairo, as were 90% of the population of Egypt, he was the son of a house builder. Well lets be honest he built third rate hovels, but managed to make a living none the less. Kharmoun learnt the art of hovel building in his youth as his fathers apprentice, who he worked with until one sad day his father was killed by falling masonry, as the roof Kharmoun was building collapsed on top of him.
When Kharmoun got over the shock of seeing his father killed, he resolved to devote his life to the safer construction of roofs. But, as the local police wanted to ask him some awkward questions about his fathers death, Kharmoun decided to devote his life to the safer construction of roofs somewhere else. And so he travelled south along the banks of the Nile to seek fame and fortune in a place where the police didn't know him.
Some weeks later, as his camel was running low on water, he came across a sign pointing the way to Luxor. He remembered seeing an ad in the Cairo Gazette for staff at a new temple being built there.
"Ah ha." thought Kharmoun, "I wonder if they've finished building that temple yet."
And so, intent on finding work at the construction site, he turned his camel in the direction of Luxor.
At this point I should explain how the class system worked in ancient Egypt.
At the top of the heap was the king. He was rich and powerful, his main pastime was ordering everyone around as though they were slaves. The people thought he was a god, and if they didn't do as the king commanded something terrible would visit them in the night to kill them. In fact he sent round his mother-in-law complete with hair curlers and mud pack. Enough to finish off the toughest adversary. Those that survived the experience told of a demon with snakes growing from her head.
Next came the clergy. The priest was almost as powerful as the king, as everyone thought the demon was his mother-in-law. The priest would get everyone to work like slaves because they knew that the priest was a friend to all the powerful gods, even Ra.
Next came the military. All soldiers treated everybody below them like slaves. Take my word for it, you don't disobey someone with a six foot spear.
Next in line were the master builders and architects. They were also rich and treated everybody below them as slaves. Lets face it if you didn't fancy the clergy or military as a career you relied on builders and architects for employment. Not that they paid much, but they did feed you.
At the bottom of the heap came everyone else. There were no slaves in ancient Egypt, all men were born free and lived free.
Kharmoun decided to present himself to the Priest at the new temple as a master roof builder, which meant that he had a chance of earning a decent wage and getting to know the right people.
"Ah hum!" coughed Kharmoun as he approached the priest, " That looks like a fine temple you've had built."
"O wow" replied the priest "I am saddened because the vestibule dance chamber has no roof. The dancers get all wet and slip over when it rains."
"Then priest, I am your man. For I am a master roof builder." he said with a slight blush. And soon he had struck a deal with the priest.
Only two dances were performed in Egypt at that time. The erotic belly dance, which was band from all temples (except on Friday nights), and a religious dance called ring-a-ring-a-Ra-sy, which was performed in all temples (except on Friday nights).
Soon work started and the huge roof stones were lowered one by one into place, until after a few weeks the entire roof was in place.
Kharmoun stood alone under the massive flat roof.
"Oh oh, its sagging" he muttered, "I'd better get something to prop it up before it all comes down."
Quickly he erected a stone pillar in the centre to support the roof. Now it was sagging to the left. So up went another pillar, then another, and another, and another, until the room had sixty-four huge stone pillars. "Oops!"
The priest returned. "What in the name of the gods !" he yelled.
"Ah well, you see, I, I."
"YES?"
"You see I thought, ah, I thought, well, er. If you decorate the pillars with religious writings, then while everyone is dancing round the pillars in circles, they could read the stories."
"Excellent." enthused the priest, and paid Kharmoun in gold.
"Phew!"
Kharmoun's roofing style became the fashion and was soon being copied by all the builders in all the temples.
Flushed with success, and with money, Kharmoun returned to Cairo to seek out his childhood girlfriend - Pahmi. She worked for a secondhand camel dealer in the bazaar, and so he headed straight there.
The bazaar was packed, he couldn't find a parking space anywhere. Eventually, as a last resort, he double parked beside a chariot with a disabled sticker displayed on the front.
Pahmi was so pleased to see him again, particularly as he was now rich and famous, that before long she had declared her undying love for Kharmoun and they were soon married.
Next came children, two boys, Mohse and Kareem. Then came the school fees, the bigger house, the sports chariot, the bills, the bills, and more bills.
"What I need is another good idea." he declared.
His mind wandered back to the day he returned to Cairo, the crowds in the bazaar, the lack of parking.
"If only they'd put the shops somewhere quieter, with plenty of room. THAT'S IT !" he pronounced. "I'll build an out of town bazaar, on the west bank where land is cheap and there's lots of it. People will come from miles around, we'll give them something for the kids to do, fast food, and multi-stage theatres. But this will take more money than I have, I'll need a partner, a very rich partner. I need............THE KING."
Kharmoun went to see the King, who was only fourteen, and a pushover. All he wanted was to see his people happy, and to have his name displayed above the entrance to the bazaar. Kharmoun agreed.
Kharmoun drew up the plans for the building. Two large square areas joined by a covered avenue.
But what about the roof over each square, he couldn't fill the bazaar up with pillars like the temple, there wouldn't be room for all the stalls. He needed inspiration. He couldn't sleep for thinking about the problem. He just couldn't sleep, and so he got up at five in the morning. As he paced up and down he noticed Pahmi laying on the bed naked. Then he got it, brilliant. He would build the roofs pointed, all the weight would be supported by the walls, and so the roof would last.......forever!
Work started, and gradually the massive out of town bazaar began to take shape.
First the walls went up, then the two pointed roofs, untill finaly some eighteen months later the construction was complete. In some strange way it reminded him of his wife Pahmi.
It was terrific, the two square bazaars each covered by a massive pointed roof, a covered avenue joining the two. There was parking for four hundred camels and one hundred chariots. Three smaller buildings with matching pointed roofs housed a drive in camel burger joint, a chariot wash, and toilets.
In recognition of Kharmoun's efforts the King had a sphinx built in front of the bazaar. The face was carved to resemble Kharmoun, despite his rather large nose.
Above the main entrance was displayed the name of the company the two entrepreneurs had formed ........KING TUT and KHARMOUN Inc.
The business prospered, people came from all over Egypt, and sometimes strangers from far off lands would bring unusual goods and exotic foods.
Soon Tut and Kharmoun hyper-bazaars were springing up the length of the west bank of the Nile. Things couldn't be going better.
Then one dark day, at the height of the weekend rush, disaster struck.
Hundreds of miles away in Persia there was a small earth tremor. The shock wave hit the whole of Egypt. Kharmoun's buildings were all on the west bank of the Nile, built on sand. Poor Kharmoun had only ever seen buildings being built from the walls upwards, and he didn't know they needed foundations.
In the space of ten seconds every single building sunk into the sand, leaving just the pointed roofs visible. Thousands of people just disappeared.
The King was stripped of his office and along with Kharmoun was arrested and thrown in jail.
The state jail was a series of cells carved into solid rock, and was situated in a valley close to Luxor. There all criminals were imprisoned for life, along with their ill gotten gains.
Above the door to their cell the guards carved the prisoners names Tut an' Kharmoun. And there they stayed forever.
So that Kharmoun would not be remembered the angry people of Cairo disfigured the sphinx by smashing off the huge nose, and whenever they were asked about the roofs sticking out of the sand, they would reply that many people were buried in the chambers beneath them.
Time passed and truth became legend. Each time the story was told it was changed, a little here a little there.
And so some five and a half thousand years have passed to this present day.
Kharmoun is forgotten.
The Valley of the Kings............not a valley of Kings, but an ancient prison.
Tutenkamon............never existed, it was Tut an' Kharmoun left to die in their prison cell.
The pyramids.............the roofs built by Kharmoun, still sitting above the sand. He said they would last forever.
The sphinx........take a long close look. Put a towel over your head and imagine a nose just like yours. Can you see it, can you, is it not just like looking in a mirror?
Be proud of Kharmoun, his vision of out of town shopping lives on.
Copyright © L S Burdett 28 July 9