The years following the Norman invasion were definitely not pleasant. For centuries religious persecution, witch hunts, uprising, and wars, saw people killed by the thousands. What's more there was no football, so all anyone had to look forward to was death in one of a thousand painful ways.

In fact there were only a few ways of surviving to old age.

Marlon was fifteen years old and worried about dying young, so he sought the advice of his grandmother Ethel. I guess you would describe Ethel as a wise old hag.

"You could become a hermit and live in a cave on a remote Scottish island." She offered.

"Yuk".

"Well then, you could become a monk and live in a monastery on a remote Scottish island."

"Yuk".

"Well, er, you could become a sheep farmer and live in a croft on a remote Scottish island."

"Yuk, can't you think of something that doesn't mean going to a remote Scottish island ? I really hate cold, lonely, boring, remote Scottish islands."

"Well, oh, yes, you could pretend to be totally loony and write daft stories, then everyone will just ignore you. Only trouble is you'll have no chance with the ladies, they hate loonies. H'm you'd be better of with the sheep."

"Yuk".

"Well then Marlon, the only alternative is to make sure that you frighten the pants off everybody else. Then they will steer well clear of you. Come I want to show you something your uncle Roger was given by a wondering gypsy when he was just your age."

Ethel took Marlon to a remote room deep in the dungeons that were set below the castle.

"This is a most secret place." Ethel whispered. "You must never tell of this place, to do so will most certainly cost you your freedom. For this is Rogers' Magical Kingdom !"

"Er, excuse me gran. Are you going to suggest that I become a wizard?"

"Yes, of course."

"Now gran, excuse me for being a little bit doubtful about this plan, but don't wizards and witches get drowned in the moat on the last Friday of every month?"

"No, don't be silly Marlon. Those aren't real wizards and witches. You can't execute someone with real magical powers. They'd turn you into a frog or something long before you could execute them. No, they're not real wizards or witches. It's just cheaper than getting a divorce."

"Oh yes, I hadn't thought of that. So if you're a real wizard, with real magical powers, everyone else will be scared, because you might turn them into a frog ?"

"Yeess!"

"Ah, one slight flaw in the plan, if you don't mind me pointing it out."

"What flaw?"

"Well it might have escaped my notice, but over the last fifteen years I have never shown any sign of having magical powers."

"Marlon, there is no such thing as magic. At least not very often, your uncle Roger had the power. The art of magic is illusion, what you believe is real is real. You must learn the tricks that uncle Roger has left you, if people believe you have real magical powers then you will have magical power. Then you will be safe and live to be a hundred."

"Um, er, gran?"

"Yes?"

"I know I'm being a bore, but, er, uncle Roger vanished when he was about thirty. How come he isn't going to be here until he's a hundred?"

"Marlon, you silly boy, Roger isn't dead. He really did have magical powers. He's out there somewhere. Let me tell you what happened, you might learn something."

"Roger was given all this magic equipment by an old wandering gypsy. The gypsy told Roger that the equipment had belonged to Merlin the Magician who was on the entertainment committee at camp Camelot. The gypsy didn't know what to do with it, so he sold it cheap to Roger. Roger spent ten years in this room learning how to use the equipment. He employed a beautiful French princess, Fifi La More she was called, as his assistant."

"Why didn't he use his wife to assist him, gran?"

"Your auntie Blodwyn was too big to fit into some of the equipment. Now don't interrupt!"

"Sorry gran."

"Roger and Fifi were devoted to learning the art of illusion and refused to perform in public until the act was perfect. Sometimes they would be down here days at a time, they were always at it. Blodwyn became suspicious and accused Roger of being unfaithful. They had terrible rows and Blodwyn threatened to call her father, Simon the Sadist, to sort him out. Roger, apparently trying to diffuse the situation, claimed to have perfected the art of magic. He invited Blodwyn and her parents to bring all their friends to the first of Rogers' magic shows. They performed some great acts. Roger sawed Fifi in half and then put her together again. He made some things appear from nowhere, other things, sometimes people, would disappear only to reappear somewhere else. It was a marvellous show, the guests were amazed at every trick."

"Go on gran."

"Well, Roger had only shown them illusions, because the guests believed the magic was real, it was real. Unknown to anyone, even Fifi, Roger had discovered a book of spells among the relics. From it he had learned real magic. One particular spell had caught his eye, it turned a human being into a frog. The effect only lasted an hour or two, when it wore off the person who had been a frog remembered nothing of the experience."

"Wow!"

"Roger decided to teach his nagging wife a lesson."

"For my next trick," Roger announced "I would like the assistance of my errr, beautiful wife."

"Fifi put Blodwyn into the blue and gold cabinet, that one over there, and shut the door."

"Credis quod habes et habes, cloakem chokem makem a croakem." Roger cast the spell.

"What happened next gran?"

"Well of course when Roger opened the cabinet door, out jumped a frog. Blodwyns' father, Simon the Sadist, not aware that the effect would soon wear off, went berserk. He ordered his men to kill Roger and Fifi, they drew their swords and started toward the stage. Roger grabbed Fifi and went into the orange cabinet, er, that one in the corner. We heard him say a spell, credis quod habes et habes, letsgo mustgo doublo quicko makem allgo. There was a bright flash, a puff of smoke, the walls of the cabinet fell open, and Roger and Fifi were gone. And that was the last anyone saw of them, thirty five years ago."

"What happened to them gran?"

"Nobody really knows. But I like to think that the magic took them somewhere beautiful, where they could love each other in peace for the rest of there lives. The real surprise was Blodwyn. When she changed back from a frog, although she was still Blodwyn, her body had changed into a beautiful young woman's. She looked just like Fifi."

"Now then Marlon, would you like your old gran to teach you to be a magician?"

"Oh yes please."

Ethel and Marlon spent the next ten years learning all that Roger had learned. Marlon enlisted a beautiful French princess, Nyma Phomanie, as his assistant. They became lovers and planned to marry.

As part of their betrothal celebrations Marlon and Nyma agreed to put on a magic show.

"Gran, I know I'm asking a lot of you, but as the finale I would like to turn you into a frog. You'll be okay, you never know you might come back looking like Fifi. Ha Ha Ha, ho ho ho."

"Why not Marlon, the effect wears off after an hour or so. But you must keep your real magic powers until the end of the show. Just do the tricks up to then."

The day came and Marlon laid before his guests a great feast of fried chicken and barbecued pigeon. After the feast the entertainment began, the usual stuff, a play about a caveman, line dancing, aerial displays, and so on. Then it was time for magic.

Marlon and Nyma put on a wonderful show, the guests were enthralled.

"And now ladies and gentlemen, for my greatest, er, illusion, I need the assistance of my gran. Ethel please step into this cabinet."

"My pleasure." Ethel beamed.

"Credis quod habes et habes, cloakem chokem makem a croakem." Marlon cast the spell.

The guests watched open mouthed as Nyma opened the cabinet. Out jump the frog.

"Ribbit." Ethel croaked.

"Evil wizard!" one of the guests yelled as he got to his feet while drawing his sword.

Others rose shouting. "Burn the wizard!", "Drown him in the moat!", and "I want my money back!", they started toward the stage.

"Quick Nyma into the orange cabinet." Marlon took Nyma by the hand and pulled her into the cabinet. "Credis quod habes et habes, letsgo mustgo doublo quicko makem allgo."

There was a bright flash, a puff of smoke, the walls of the cabinet fell open, and Marlon and Nyma were gone.

Marlon stood in an open field, about him were rocks, heather, and sheep. Then he heard Nyma calling.

"Marlon, I'm here, behind you."

Marlon turned around to see his Nyma, in the body of Ethel.

"Oh bum, now I know why Blodwyn changed into a beautiful young woman like Fifi." Marlon whispered as he fell to his knees.

"Marlon is that you?" a croaky old voice came on the wind. "Over here, it's me, your uncle Roger. You've been playing with my magic tricks you naughty boy. Now your stuck on this remote Scottish island with me, two old hags, a group of monks, and fifty sheep."

"Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Copyright © Les Burdett 19 April 1997